How to stalk your Valentine (and maybe get arrested)

This Valentine’s Day, don’t settle for no. Sure, he told you to go away, don’t call again. She said it’s over, even my cat is afraid of you and nearly scratched a hole in the wall trying to escape though I had her declawed years ago. But you’re not going to give up on your obsession, er love, that easily, are you? No, of course not, regardless of that restraining order! That’s why we’ve brought you these smart and sassy stalker tips to liven up your pursuit this Valentine’s Day.

Tip #1: Make dinner for your sweetie. You’ll have to take it to your honey’s house, because there’s no way he or she will answer your phone calls, much less accept an invitation to your home, even under false pretenses (I’ve kidnapped your pet/sister/boss — you can try this for real eventually, but proceed through these tips before you resort to kidnapping). Your honey might not be home, and if that happens, don’t worry! Just call his or her friends and threaten them until they tell you which restaurant the love of your life is dining at tonight. Have a molten hot dish prepared for your sweetheart’s date — second degree burns from your famous lasagna are sure to teach the date a lesson about going out with your love, YOURS!

Tip #2: Buy chocolates for your sweetie. Or some other favorite food, whatever your heart-of-hearts will gorge on. Buy in advance so you have plenty of time (what do stalkers have if not time?) to lace the favorite food with mind-altering drugs. Don’t use anything that will cause your soul mate to pass out — the point is to manipulate, and you won’t be able to hold your honey-pie accountable for promises made under the influence if he or she is drooling face-down on the carpet.

Tip #3: Have fun with bondage. Other couples do it, so can you! Sure, your honey-bunny will complain and yell to the neighbors for help, but that’s all part of the role playing. Just go along with it — for days! Why not? You’ve already dug up all of your sweetheart’s private information, like his or her work schedule, sick time, vacation time, boss’ home and office phone numbers. Now’s the time to put that information to good use for a few fun “sick days” and much needed quality time together.

And don’t forget our favorite tip from the professionals: If you need to drive cross-country to stalk your sweetie, you can wear a diaper to get there faster.