Baby-proofing Liberals

From the Department of Homeland Security

Five Ways to Encourage Liberals to Have Fewer Children

If you’re a liberal, here’s what you can do to make Karl Rove a very happy man: Get yourself a labradoodle. Or any other kind of dog, for that matter. Even a cat will do.

Just don’t have children.

That way you’ll maintain a fertility gap that already is invisibly working to guarantee the political right will outnumber the left by an ever-growing margin.

– San Francisco Chronicle

Look, people. This is not a tough sell! I mean, they’re practically doing the job for us. But here are a few easy steps you can take to ensure that liberals continue to have fewer and fewer children.

1. Remind liberals that if they have children, they won’t have time to read the New York Times, Harper’s or the Huffington Post (or any other ultra-liberal publications, blogs, “unbiased” media, etc.) on a regular basis.

This one is just an introductory idea, a way to broach the topic of kids=time =not enough time to worry about which laws and rights the executive branch will encroach upon/take away. This should be an easy conversation to get going in a bohemian, locally owned coffee shop, which is where many liberals like to sip their elitist cappuccino mocha java soy no-whip lattes, or whatever they call them. (Plan a personalized coffee drink for yourself — they will recognize that you are not one of them if you order “I don’t know, just a coffee.”)

2. Promote the human toll associated with environmental “crises” like global warming.

Pepper your discussions with phrases like “carbon neutral,” “green energy” and “sustainable farming.” These phrases get liberals excited and angry and remind them that by having children, they’ll have to worry about making one more person a good custodian of the environment.

3. Overpopulation is a problem — adopt!

Even if the liberal you’re talking at (God knows you can’t talk with them) is thinking about having children just to produce more liberals, remind them of all of the orphans in other countries. (Media coverage of recent celebrity adoptions has practically done this for you!) See? It isn’t responsible to have your own children (thus passing on your evil liberal DNA to yet another generation of ecoterrorists and vegans)! The adopted children could still turn out to be liberals, but at least they’ve got a fighting biological chance. (NOTE: You don’t have to believe in evolution to use this argument.)

4. Appeal to the Generation X obsession with independence and rejection of the old (read: traditional) corporate way of working.

Don’t be like your parents, working for the man, getting that crappy watch when you retire from the job you hated for 35 years! It’s not like any of those companies offer the pension your dad has, anyhoo. This argument should compel them to start a small business, work as freelancers, become artists — all choices that will leave them with little or no health insurance. They’re so caught up in being responsible that they won’t have children under those circumstances. This will lead to thoughts about universal health coverage, and our next point.

5. Encourage expatriation

Next time you hear a liberal say, “It’s getting so bad here, I’m moving to Canada!” remind him or her that this is a viable option. Have some information ready about what it takes to become a Canadian citizen. Make it seem like an easy process. Say things like, “Vancouver is such a wonderful city,” or, “Canadians are so friendly, eh?” If you can get liberals to move to Canada, it doesn’t matter whether they procreate. They’re not our problem any more, and you have done your duty as a citizen of the greatest country on the planet by ridding it of those godless, unpatriotic socialists.

Now, for your next course in civic duty, Supporting the Military-Industrial Complex, please proceed to room 315…