Today’s Denver Post reported that Ted Haggard will be leaving my beloved current state (Colorado) for my beloved home state (Missouri). Or Iowa, he said.
Is there a corner of Missouri or Iowa he can crawl into unnoticed? Definitely. I’m more worried about where Dr. Phil will hide.
Dr. Phil is next. I just know it. Not for a gay scandal, but for a relationship scandal. Okay, it might involve being gay. I don’t know. But he’s high on his fix-your-relationship horse, and after the Haggard and Foley scandals, we all know what happens to these folks — they fall. He who screams the loudest…well, screams the loudest.
That’s why I think Dr. Phil is next. Of course, I have absolutely nothing to base this on, other than a hunch that this guy’s gonna go down eventually. Oprah will be forced to have him on the show and grill him for being a polygamist, or running a high-class hooker service out of a McMansion, or something else that obviously would not lead to a healthy marriage in most circumstances.
I hope I’m wrong. My girlfriends watch Dr. Phil. He’s in those match.com commercials now, giving that poor daydreaming woman such sound advice. People seem to like him. Which is going to make it even worse when Oprah tears him apart for having concealed his 17 divorces.
Speaking of Oprah, can that woman make you or break you, or what? Dr. Phil: made. Tom Cruise: broken. Book club authors (minus one): made. That’s why I’ve decided to get all my ducks in a row and get on her show. I’m not sure how. I don’t think I can invent a better T-shirt or must-have sheets. I don’t think I’m destined for the book club. Maybe I just need to investigate Dr. Phil’s 17 ex-wives. I just know they’re out there.