Valentine Stalking Tips

How to stalk your Valentine (and maybe get arrested)

This Valentine’s Day, don’t settle for no. Sure, he told you to go away, don’t call again. She said it’s over, even my cat is afraid of you and nearly scratched a hole in the wall trying to escape though I had her declawed years ago. But you’re not going to give up on your obsession, er love, that easily, are you? No, of course not, regardless of that restraining order! That’s why we’ve brought you these smart and sassy stalker tips to liven up your pursuit this Valentine’s Day.

Tip #1: Make dinner for your sweetie. You’ll have to take it to your honey’s house, because there’s no way he or she will answer your phone calls, much less accept an invitation to your home, even under false pretenses (I’ve kidnapped your pet/sister/boss — you can try this for real eventually, but proceed through these tips before you resort to kidnapping). Your honey might not be home, and if that happens, don’t worry! Just call his or her friends and threaten them until they tell you which restaurant the love of your life is dining at tonight. Have a molten hot dish prepared for your sweetheart’s date — second degree burns from your famous lasagna are sure to teach the date a lesson about going out with your love, YOURS!

Tip #2: Buy chocolates for your sweetie. Or some other favorite food, whatever your heart-of-hearts will gorge on. Buy in advance so you have plenty of time (what do stalkers have if not time?) to lace the favorite food with mind-altering drugs. Don’t use anything that will cause your soul mate to pass out — the point is to manipulate, and you won’t be able to hold your honey-pie accountable for promises made under the influence if he or she is drooling face-down on the carpet.

Tip #3: Have fun with bondage. Other couples do it, so can you! Sure, your honey-bunny will complain and yell to the neighbors for help, but that’s all part of the role playing. Just go along with it — for days! Why not? You’ve already dug up all of your sweetheart’s private information, like his or her work schedule, sick time, vacation time, boss’ home and office phone numbers. Now’s the time to put that information to good use for a few fun “sick days” and much needed quality time together.

And don’t forget our favorite tip from the professionals: If you need to drive cross-country to stalk your sweetie, you can wear a diaper to get there faster.

New! Extra-strength Non-binding Resolutions!

With New! Extra-strength Non-binding Resolutions, your congress will have even less control over world affairs!

Just think — you can watch your representatives work more (five days a week!) and accomplish less!

All New! Extra-strength Non-binding Resolutions are made with real bits of lobbyists, so you know they’re good.

But hurry. If you order now, you can get a free 22-month supply of Attack Ad Max! There’s no better way to hear both votes and quotes taken out of context during a presidential campaign.

But wait. If you act in the next 10 minutes, we’ll deliver a pre-programmed ConservaVote Ultra e-Voting machine right to your door! At no charge! That’s an Extra-strength Non-binding Resolution, a 22-month supply of Attack Ad Max and a ConservaVote Ultra machine delievered right to your door for free!

*New! Extra-strength Non-binding Resolutions is a registered trademark of the Democratic Majority.

**ConservaVote Ultra is endorsed by the State of Florida

Dr. Phil is next

Today’s Denver Post reported that Ted Haggard will be leaving my beloved current state (Colorado) for my beloved home state (Missouri). Or Iowa, he said.

Is there a corner of Missouri or Iowa he can crawl into unnoticed? Definitely. I’m more worried about where Dr. Phil will hide.

Dr. Phil is next. I just know it. Not for a gay scandal, but for a relationship scandal. Okay, it might involve being gay. I don’t know. But he’s high on his fix-your-relationship horse, and after the Haggard and Foley scandals, we all know what happens to these folks — they fall. He who screams the loudest…well, screams the loudest.

That’s why I think Dr. Phil is next. Of course, I have absolutely nothing to base this on, other than a hunch that this guy’s gonna go down eventually. Oprah will be forced to have him on the show and grill him for being a polygamist, or running a high-class hooker service out of a McMansion, or something else that obviously would not lead to a healthy marriage in most circumstances.

I hope I’m wrong. My girlfriends watch Dr. Phil. He’s in those commercials now, giving that poor daydreaming woman such sound advice. People seem to like him. Which is going to make it even worse when Oprah tears him apart for having concealed his 17 divorces.

Speaking of Oprah, can that woman make you or break you, or what? Dr. Phil: made. Tom Cruise: broken. Book club authors (minus one): made. That’s why I’ve decided to get all my ducks in a row and get on her show. I’m not sure how. I don’t think I can invent a better T-shirt or must-have sheets. I don’t think I’m destined for the book club. Maybe I just need to investigate Dr. Phil’s 17 ex-wives. I just know they’re out there.

Baby-proofing Liberals

From the Department of Homeland Security

Five Ways to Encourage Liberals to Have Fewer Children

If you’re a liberal, here’s what you can do to make Karl Rove a very happy man: Get yourself a labradoodle. Or any other kind of dog, for that matter. Even a cat will do.

Just don’t have children.

That way you’ll maintain a fertility gap that already is invisibly working to guarantee the political right will outnumber the left by an ever-growing margin.

– San Francisco Chronicle

Look, people. This is not a tough sell! I mean, they’re practically doing the job for us. But here are a few easy steps you can take to ensure that liberals continue to have fewer and fewer children.

1. Remind liberals that if they have children, they won’t have time to read the New York Times, Harper’s or the Huffington Post (or any other ultra-liberal publications, blogs, “unbiased” media, etc.) on a regular basis.

This one is just an introductory idea, a way to broach the topic of kids=time =not enough time to worry about which laws and rights the executive branch will encroach upon/take away. This should be an easy conversation to get going in a bohemian, locally owned coffee shop, which is where many liberals like to sip their elitist cappuccino mocha java soy no-whip lattes, or whatever they call them. (Plan a personalized coffee drink for yourself — they will recognize that you are not one of them if you order “I don’t know, just a coffee.”)

2. Promote the human toll associated with environmental “crises” like global warming.

Pepper your discussions with phrases like “carbon neutral,” “green energy” and “sustainable farming.” These phrases get liberals excited and angry and remind them that by having children, they’ll have to worry about making one more person a good custodian of the environment.

3. Overpopulation is a problem — adopt!

Even if the liberal you’re talking at (God knows you can’t talk with them) is thinking about having children just to produce more liberals, remind them of all of the orphans in other countries. (Media coverage of recent celebrity adoptions has practically done this for you!) See? It isn’t responsible to have your own children (thus passing on your evil liberal DNA to yet another generation of ecoterrorists and vegans)! The adopted children could still turn out to be liberals, but at least they’ve got a fighting biological chance. (NOTE: You don’t have to believe in evolution to use this argument.)

4. Appeal to the Generation X obsession with independence and rejection of the old (read: traditional) corporate way of working.

Don’t be like your parents, working for the man, getting that crappy watch when you retire from the job you hated for 35 years! It’s not like any of those companies offer the pension your dad has, anyhoo. This argument should compel them to start a small business, work as freelancers, become artists — all choices that will leave them with little or no health insurance. They’re so caught up in being responsible that they won’t have children under those circumstances. This will lead to thoughts about universal health coverage, and our next point.

5. Encourage expatriation

Next time you hear a liberal say, “It’s getting so bad here, I’m moving to Canada!” remind him or her that this is a viable option. Have some information ready about what it takes to become a Canadian citizen. Make it seem like an easy process. Say things like, “Vancouver is such a wonderful city,” or, “Canadians are so friendly, eh?” If you can get liberals to move to Canada, it doesn’t matter whether they procreate. They’re not our problem any more, and you have done your duty as a citizen of the greatest country on the planet by ridding it of those godless, unpatriotic socialists.

Now, for your next course in civic duty, Supporting the Military-Industrial Complex, please proceed to room 315…


A man walks into a bar. He turns around and walks right back out. He knows what’s coming. He’s not carrying a duck. He’s not carrying anything. He’s a normal guy, there’s not anything unusual about him. He doesn’t have a slick bet or hustle. He doesn’t have a story to tell. So the bartender will be carrying something. Or he’ll say something strange. Or he’ll meet someone strange at the bar.

The man turns to walk back into the bar. After all, it’s inevitable, right? No, it’s not. He stops. He can avoid the bar. He can go to a café for a cup of joe instead. He can go to a juice bar for a wheat grass. That’s ridiculous, he would never go for a wheat grass. Who is he kidding? He’s going to go into the bar.

A priest, a rabbi, and a shaman brush past him and walk into the bar. That’s it. He can’t go in now. That coffee sounds good now, even better than a Scotch. Surely there’s a café around here somewhere. He walks down the street a little. Another bar. Maybe on the corner there’s a café or a coffee shop. He’s never been in a coffee shop – always bars.

A man wearing a hat is leading a horse out of the bar on the corner. Seeing this, the man who doesn’t want to walk into a bar stops and surveys the block. He realizes that every door on this block leads into a bar. No cafes, no coffee shops. Just bars.

A woman approaches, blonde. “Where is the nearest bar?” she asks him. She looks puzzled and hot. Not that kind of hot. Well, yes, but really, warm. It’s summer, and she’s wearing a long fur coat. Her cheeks are rosy. She’s panting in the late day heat. She needs help. He wonders if she’s heard the one about the—no, better not ask that. He offers to show her the nearest bar and buy her a cold drink. She smiles, so grateful, and takes his arm.

A man walks into a bar with a blonde….